so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
