I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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