there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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