$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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