the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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