I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
im drinking this country out of the recession.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
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