No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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