i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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