Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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