Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
