spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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