Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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