did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
