He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
