I just saw a hot homeless man
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
