Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize