this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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