your parents love me but you hate me
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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