totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
