Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Text me some of your sweat
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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