he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
