I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
