last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
