this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Randomize
