I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Randomize
