I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
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