Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Randomize
