So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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