Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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