I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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