Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
