so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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