I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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