I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
