Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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