mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize