Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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