i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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