how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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