I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
