last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
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