You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
