They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
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He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
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That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
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