but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
