I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
