It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
