i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Randomize
