I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
