Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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