im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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