i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
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He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
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Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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