I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
