just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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