Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
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there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
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