no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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